5 Connections, 5 Insights: 26-30 of 100

Project Horizon is a global conversation experiment by executive coach and high-performance consultant Tim Dutton. It aims to uncover diverse human perspectives by connecting with 100 remarkable people worldwide, linked through six referral-based chains.

ON THE GO? LISTEN TO THE INSIGHTS 🎧

26. American executive coach

27. Bangladeshi PhD researcher in marine conservation, living in Japan

28. Retired businessman with many leadership lessons

29. Ex-Army and current MMA instructor who has recently connected with God

30. Commercial property developer

Connection 26 was an executive coach from America. You can imagine this was particularly interesting for me to speak to someone in a similar field to myself. She had been practising for around 20 years.

One of the key insights I took from her was around how we experience change and transition. But there was a much deeper insight I took away too.

Explaining the difference between ‘change’ and ‘transition’, she said that change is what happens to us in our lives. Transition, on the other hand, is the mental process we go through to cope with the change.

She said it can be common for people to experience significant life events without processing them (transitioning). These unprocessed experiences can often rear their head at a later, sometimes unexpected, time. Initially, this surprises people, until they remember they hadn’t dealt with the change they went through appropriately.

Her personal story of change and transition led to both of us welling up a little. She had sadly lost her father a number of years ago, and felt like she had coped with the loss relatively well. This was until, one day, she was stood in her kitchen, and glanced at the answering machine. Like many people of an older generation, when her father used to call and she was unavailable, he’d leave a voicemail. The answering machine would have a little flashing light when this happened. Remembering this habit of her father’s, and seeing no flashing light on the machine, she came to the sudden realisation that it would never flash again.

She told me that this was when she was confronted with the reality of her father’s death. She had gone through change, but hadn’t transitioned through it.

Quite simply, this reminded me that my parents will die. And that I should cherish them whilst they are here. Since that call, I can genuinely say I’ve tried to be more present when I spend time with them and will answer their calls at any chance I get.

One day, I won’t get the chance.

It’s rare that these insights bleed into each other. Unfortunately, because we’re staying on the topic of death, insights 26 and 27 follow a theme.

Another connection, the property developer, told me about how he lost his father unexpectedly. I’m always grateful to connections for sharing their stories and insights, but this is amplified when such deeply personal moments are shared. I think it takes trust and bravery.

For me, part of the tragedy of the situation was that it was on the night of the property developer’s brother’s stag do. The father had been in attendance but called it a night earlier than the younger guys. The property developer hugged his father goodbye when he left. He was the last to see him alive.

On the drive home, the father had experienced a coughing fit, causing him to miss a sharp turn and hit a bridge, sadly dying on impact.

Later in the night, with the stag do still ongoing, the police found the brothers and informed them of their father’s passing. The property developer described the shock of going from having a great time on the stag do to hearing the devastating news.

Now, more than ever, the property developer believes in living for the moment, not taking life too seriously, and finding the balance between work and family life.

For me, it was another reminder of the impermanence of human life and that you never know when it will be the last time you see someone.

Knowing that those things are out of my control, I feel all I can do is – again – appreciate the present and connect. The light on the answering machine will stop flashing, you just don’t know when.

This one comes from a Bangladeshi PhD researcher who lives in Tokyo, Japan.

I wasn’t expecting to get such a powerful insight on parenthood. I think I was surprised for a few reasons. One reason is that I’m not yet a father, so I wouldn’t have expected fatherly advice to resonate with me so much. Another is that I imagined that the insights I’d take away from the call would be more focused on Bangladeshi and Japanese culture, as well as his research in marine life conservation.

Here was his advice: “When your child asks to play with you: play. One day they’ll grow out of it. It won’t be cool to play with their parents anymore and they’ll want to play with their friends instead.”

I’ve relayed this advice to pretty much every dad I’ve been connected with through Project Horizon since. I’m glad I heard this before I potentially have a child one day. And, should I have children, I hope it reduces the chances that I put off playing with my them due to super-important ‘work’ or other extraneous bullshit that feels pressing in the moment.

A related aside: I was consulting with an elite military group this week when, just before lunch time, a colleague and good friend of mine got a call from his wife. His wife put their 3-year-old son on the phone. The son wanted to ask his dad if he could come home and have lunch with them. My colleague melted with adoration for his son and ran home immediately. That’s the sort of dad I’d like to be.

The description I gave Connection 29 of being ex-Army and a current MMA instructor really doesn’t do him justice. He’s the epitome of the man of action. If Theodore Roosevelt’s ‘Man in the Arena’ speech referenced a real person, it would be him.

He’s been shot whilst serving his country. He’s seen close friends get shot and killed in action. In fact, he has a picture of himself and 4 others who all served in the military and, from the picture, only he and one other are still alive.

Even on his return to civilian life, what he calls “drama” followed him. He’d opened up an MMA gym in Liverpool and, one day, one of his friends was assassinated outside the front of his gym. The friend was a prison guard and, upon release from prison, two former convicts had sought him out and murdered him. He held his friend in his arms as he passed.

After a long time of reflecting on his life experiences, he turned to faith. His perspective is that he was chosen by God to face these many moments of adversity as it was only he who was strong enough to cope with them. Various other staff could have been on duty at the MMA the day of the assassination, but it was he who was there. There’s meaning in that for him.

It’s worth noting, I’m not a man of religion myself. And this insight isn’t really about religion for me.

Instead, I was intrigued by how Action Man (he’ll like this nickname when he reads it) had reframed his stories of severe adversity and tragedy such that he could see some light in them.

Like many of the amazing individuals who have contributed to this project, the retired businessman could have a whole article dedicated to him.

After failing at school and subsequently deciding to simply outwork everyone else, he was hugely successful in business. He was essentially the go-to turnaround guy when companies weren’t doing so well. I got the impression he wasn’t just ‘the hammer’ that was wielded to scare underperforming employees. From his demeanour and his communication style, I could tell he had led with empathy and fairness.

As a bit of a change of style in a very heavy article, I’m going to give you a list of leadership lessons he relayed.

1. Have integrity and doing the right thing (a value inspired by his father).
2. Never let someone leave (a meeting or a company) in a worse mental state than when they arrived.
3. Clearly communicate objectives and strategy.
4. Deliver high-quality performance reviews and career development conversations.
5. Live by your agreed-upon company values.
6. Give opportunities to others, just as others will have helped you along the way.
7. Earn the right to have the tough conversations by having plenty of supportive, ‘career’ conversations.
8. Give a clear path to redemption for underperformers. Never let someone leave your presence feeling hopeless.
9. Depersonalise feedback.
10. Give people time to improve. Everyone knew they wouldn’t be sacked within 6 months of entering performance management. They also knew that they wouldn’t be there in 12 months’ time if there was no improvement.

The retired businessman then recommended the “best business book” he’s ever read: ‘Business Model Generation: A Handbook for Visionaries, Game Changers, and Challengers’. I can confirm it’s very good.

Well done if you’ve stuck it out to the end. This was really thought-provoking to write with some challenging topics.

These five conversations reminded me that change and transition can be different things, that the people we love won’t always be here, nor will the opportunity always be there to play with your child. They showed me that adversity can be reframed into meaning, and that good leadership is less about toughness and more about fairness, honesty and integrity.

Next time: Insights from connections 31–35.