5 Connections, 5 Insights: 61-65 of 100

Project Horizon is a global conversation experiment by executive coach and high-performance consultant Dr Tim Dutton. It aims to uncover diverse human perspectives by connecting with 100 remarkable people worldwide, linked through six referral-based chains.

ON THE GO? LISTEN TO THE INSIGHTS 🎧

61. Personal trainer from New Zealand

62. A university student running a business alongside his degree

63. Best-selling author who walked around the UK coastline

64. Former England Rugby player and 2003 Rugby World Cup winner

65. An elite military operator who adores his son

We probably all know at least one person that has moved away from home to ‘grow’, whether it’s another town, state, or country.

But there probably isn’t a bigger relocation (in distance, at least) than moving from New Zealand to the UK. That’s exactly what Connection 61 did.

It was New Year’s Eve and she was at a party on the beach. As she looked around at her friends, she heard a voice in her head say “this is my last New Year’s with you”. Moving away was something she’d had in her sights for a while, but now a threshold had been crossed. She’d recently gone through a break-up and was seeking change. Personal growth and exploration were high on the agenda.

The next day she booked a visa appointment and shared the plan with her family. She cried for hours about the change that was coming, and at what she was leaving behind. But, deep down, she knew it was important and necessary. She told me, “I had never lived outside of my family home before. I got on a plane and moved to the other side of the world.”

First of all, her story made me wonder about my own early 20’s and if it’s something I should have done. I don’t regret anything, but the question does linger. I like the phrase “you choose your regrets”.

Second, it makes me think about the idea of ‘critical moments’. Moments when we are met with a fork in the road and must choose between comfort and discomfort. I don’t know how many critical moments we each have in life. Starting my own business last year was one such moment for me.

I admire that she leant hard into the discomfort.

It’s my opinion that most people shouldn’t run a business alongside their university studies. There’s so much personal growth to be found in that period of time already, without bolting on an additional responsibility.

But, Connection 62 wasn’t ‘most people’.

In fact, by the time he’d started his business degree at Loughborough University, he’d already been growing his collectibles resale business for several years. Back in India, where he grew up before moving to the UK to study, he had started collecting limited edition versions of shoes like Yeezys and Jordans. Over time this grew to buying and selling all types of collectibles. It started with selling direct to customers, but now he’s simplified things and sells to other businesses. This means he doesn’t have to spend any time advertising. He doesn’t even have a website. “It’s essentially automated at this point… it’s basically just an accounting process,” he told me.

So, if he’s not spending much time on the business, what is he doing? It sounds like he’s in growth mode. When he’s not in the university gym, he’s buzzing about the university’s business innovation hub. “It’s a space for massive creativity as well as meeting new people who think along the same lines as me.”

He’s also working on a new business idea which he intends to bring to life after he’s finished his degree. It’s in “stealth mode” at the moment, and should be much bigger than his current business. Knowing it will require plenty of money to get going, he’s been putting money aside for it over the years.

What his story makes me think of is this phrase: “people are either like bullets or butterflies”. Bullets are people who appear to know exactly what they want, have laid out the steps to achieve it, and seem to get after it in a relatively linear fashion. Bullets are in the minority of people. Connection 62 came across as one – he knew what he wanted to get after.

Butterflies, on the other hand, spend more time fluttering about life. Like a butterfly, there’s no clear, straight path to the final, pre-established destination. They try a bit of this, a bit of that. These types of people might shift careers every 5-10 years. Dabble in things and then drop it.

As with many things, it’s not a simple dichotomy. It’s probably more of a sliding scale. Personally, I’m more of a butterfly. Flutter flutter.

I knew more about Connection 63 – Chris Lewis – before I’d met him than I know about any of the connections after our calls.

Chris is well-known in the UK for having walked around the entirety of the UK coastline. It took him six years and his life changed along the way. He adopted a dog named Jet. Spent COVID lockdown on a remote island with only Jet for company. Following lockdown, he met a lady named Kate and fell in love. By the end of the walk, they had married and had a baby named Magnus.

Chris’s story is well-documented in his two books, Finding Hildasay and Hildasay to Home. I teared up a few times whilst listening to them, and would highly recommend them for some insight into how acting with agency can change your life. I won’t ruin the story for you. Read it.

The interesting challenge for me was asking the ‘right’ questions. There were a couple of things to consider. The first was because I knew so much about Chris already, I didn’t want to ask something which I had or could read about in his books. I felt like that would be wasting his time. The second was that, over the six years of the challenge, Chris had spoken to an avalanche of journalists and reporters. Every news channel and paper had covered his journey. I didn’t want Chris to see experience this as just another media engagement.

Whether he did or not, I’m not sure. Either way, Chris was really generous in sharing his hard-earned wisdom. Here’s a few of my favourite quotes:

“So many people fail at things they don’t even enjoy. Why not fail at something you do enjoy?”

“No matter whether you’re rich or poor… purpose is everything.”

“Do you know what? Can I be honest with you? I’m not even a huge fan of walking.”

That last one is gold, considering he’d walked over 19,000 miles.

My favourite moment of the call, though, was when I asked Chris “How do you see life now?” He turned to Magnus, who was toddling around in the background, and said “How do I see life Magnus?”.

Magnus, aged three at the time, responded: “Fun!”

I couldn’t help but be a little excited when I was referred to a 2003 Rugby World Cup winner.

#64 played for England Rugby over a number of years, and even toured with the British and Irish Lions. After his playing career ended, he transitioned into the world of finance and investing where he’s been equally as successful. He now splits his time between Switzerland and Portugal, which doesn’t sound too shabby.

But, what did I learn from the call?

Well, whilst he won the 2003 Rugby World Cup with England, he unfortunately wasn’t selected for the final against Australia. I asked him, “How did you take that when you weren’t selected?”

His response was thoughtful and came in three parts.

Firstly, he’d suffered an ACL injury the year before. So, managing to rehab his knee and get back into the England team in time for the World Cup was an achievement in itself. He was grateful for even being there.

Second, a good friend of his named Nick Duncombe – also an England rugby international – had suffered a blood infection in the months before the World Cup. Within 48 hours, Nick had tragically died. Of course, this was a huge shock and brought up some philosophical questions about what’s really important in life.

Thirdly, he admitted he still wakes up in the middle of the night thinking “Ah, I wish I’d have been selected.”

It struck me as a really human response. The ‘human’ bit being the presence of multiple emotions and perspectives relating to an experience. There was gratitude and there was ultimate perspective provided by the death of a close friend, but there was also the very normal questioning and ‘what if?’ thinking you’d expect of missing out on such an experience.

My takeaway is that this ‘messiness’ and inner tension is exactly what makes us human.

Connection 65 was a military man, referred by… another military man. Diversity quota: met.

I already knew him, which breaks the oh-so-rigid rules of this project. But you’ll forgive me when you’ve read this cute little write-up.

The insight which has stuck with me since we spoke was one about seizing the moment while you can. We were standing in the gym on the military base. It was just before lunch time, and just before we went across to the galley for lunch, his phone went ‘ping’.

It was his wife. She had messaged because their two-year-old son has asked her, “Can daddy have lunch with us?”.

Firstly, I imagine it would have been really easy for the mother to say “Daddy’s at work, he can’t have lunch with us right now.” So, it’s lovely that she passed on the message.

Secondly, and this is where the magic is, it would have been even easier for the dad to say “I can’t right now, I have to do X or Y”, putting it off for ‘another day’. Yet he didn’t. He seized the opportunity (ditching me for lunch…) and ran home to have lunch with his son. Probably chicken dippers or something.

It really warmed my heart to see someone who is hard-as-nails (he assures me) melt at his son reaching out. And, what’s more, actually embrace it.

It reminded me that there’ll always be more work. There won’t always be the opportunity to spend time – as simple as the moments are – with loved ones.

These five conversations showed me the value of leaning into discomfort, that being a ‘bullet’ or a ‘butterfly’ is absolutely fine, and that a three-year old can have Project Horizon’s most impactful insight! They also reminded me that humans are characterised by complexity; that it’s normal to experience multiple emotions about a singular experience. And finally, a great reminder to catch myself from the ‘automatic no’ so I don’t miss the moments that matter.

Next time: connections 66-70.